Doing housework with your children - some dos and don'ts

DO


Give them a duster and polish when they say they want to do the dusting whilst you're still doing the kitchen. You'll love it when they come back 15 minutes later with a now empty can of polish and two sodden dusters.

Allow them to have a go at vacuuming upstairs whilst you continue downstairs. They won't make the spare room a worse mess at all trying to get it out. Their screams and giggles will suggest they're having a great time, not trying to administer death by suction.

Actually check what they have claimed to have done. Their attention spans are short and so the fourth room they claim to have dusted might still be quite dusty. Or not dusted at all.

Give them different jobs to do. One can be happily assigned to asking constant questions, whilst the other can be assigned to mucking up the task in hand. This will ensure the chores will get done in half the time. Or maybe twice.

DON'T

Set a time limit for finishing the job. Housework is a good way to fill a whole rainy day and keep your children amused.

Supervise them too closely as this will give them a sense of independence. Also known as slacking off what you've just asked them to do.

Offer bribes to get them to help you. Children are usually willing participants. Oh, but there is chocolate. (Don't mention it's their own Easter eggs...)

Forget to have a plentiful supply of tea, coffee and biscuits. For you. (Oh, and wine in the fridge for later.)

And finally...

DO worry if they simultaneously go quiet for more than 30 seconds and a television, smartphone or computer is not involved. (This applies to all parenting, not just housework!)

Photo credit - lusi

I don't like Mondays

Now, the title of this post probably doesn't surprise you much, does it? After all, the start of the week, getting back into the groove of work and daily routine, is never nice. And no, it's not. But that's not why I dislike a lot of Mondays. Oh no. For a start, getting back into the daily routine means the children are back at school, even if they don't quite seem to remember on Monday mornings that we must get to school by a certain time. I can live with that and the arrival at school on Mondays is like a full stop to the weekend, and I breathe a sigh of relief as they walk through them sometimes.

But no, not that. What I really hate about Mondays is the tyranny of the After School Activity. On Mondays, it is the Swimming Lesson. School finishes at 3.30, lesson is at 5.30, bedtime is 7.00. This leads to an interesting schedule as follows.

3.10 Check tweets.
3.15 Realise the time, grab coat phone and keys for school run.
3.20 Leave house, drive to school, remembering to slow down where they hide the mobile speed camera.
3.25 Hope to get parking space on back road.
3.27 Check phone for tweets and emails. (It's been 12 mins, OK?)
3.28 Get out of car and walk into school playground.
3.29 Play the "Guess which child will come out of their class door first" game and choose door to stand near.
3.31 Mutter that they're late out. Again.
3.33 Realise you've lost the "Guess which child will come out of the class door first" game and that the other child is waiting for you to collect them.
3.35 Wait, pointedly, by other door with child that wants to run all over the playground.
3.36 Door opens. Late, again!
3.37 Remember this means your child is at the back of the line again.
3.39 Child finally appears.
3.40 Realise other child has run off whilst you weren't looking.
3.41 Locate other child and retrieve (For which read: holler at them to come here NOW!)
3.42 Finally leave school grounds.
3.43 Holler at one child again as they run off into the distance.
3.44 Walk back to car with children, trying to ascertain what they ate for lunch/did at school today.
3.46 Get children into car.
3.48 Drive home, remembering about the speed camera.
3.53 Arrive home, herd children with book bags out of car and in through front door.
3.55 Make sandwiches for tea unless tea is already made (vain hope) whilst refereeing argument over whether Sky Sports News or CBBC is the channel du jour.
3.58 Give sandwiches to children, ask them to eat them. (This might seem stupid but at least one forgets).
4.00 Shout at children for not eating sandwiches whilst you get a drink ready for them.
4.01 Make cup of tea. This will go cold before you reach the bottom.
4.04 Remind (shout at) children that they need to get sandwiches eaten and not play with toys/watch telly/argue.
4.07 Remind/shout at/nag children for a third time. Realise one child has at least finished, but wants more food.
4.08 Provide said child with yogurt. Shout at other child to "just eat the flipping sandwiches, how can it be that hard?".
4.09 Tell child who has now finished yogurt to get changed into swimming costume. Lose patience with other child. Have a sip of tea.
4.12 Show child where swimming kit is, ie the same place as last week. Provide second child, who has FINALLY finished sandwiches with a yogurt and ask they eat it quickly.
4.15 Tell second child to go and get their swimming kit and get changed. Remind first child to ensure they remove underwear and visit toilet BEFORE putting on swimming costume.
4.18 Ask loudly why neither child has swimming costume on and uniform put back on. Have sip of tea, whch is now a bit on the lukewarm side.
4.21 Locate child, who has wandered off after a loo trip, and gently remind AGAIN of their mission to put on swimming costume and uniform back on over it.
4.24 Remind first child, who has finally finished getting changed, that they need to get their book bag for you to check. Tell second child that no, they don't need to take their socks off as they will only have to put them back on again in a minute.
4.25 Check book bag. Read newsletter. Have sip of tea. Say through gritted teeth "Will you get that flipping costume ON?" whilst reading. (Thank God women can multitask, eh?)
4.26 Realise child has reading and spellings to do this week. Ask child if they want to do spellings or read book. Get negative answer.
4.30 Realise drinks have not been drunk. Ask children to drink them. Hope children don't need loo again before leaving house.
4.33 Ask second child, who has FINALLY got swimming costume on and uniform replaced, to go and get their book bag.
4.35 Realise they have books to read and spellings to do too. Second child keen to do all of them. Sigh.
4.36 Have a sip of tea. Getting cold.
4.37 Supervise child doing spellings.
4.40 Child finishes spellings. Check them.
4.41 Child settles in to read book to you. Try to get sip of nearly cold tea.
4.43 Remember they get new books on Monday and child is never as good at reading through first time.
4.44 Have a sip of tea. Colder.
4.45 Have another sip of tea.
4.46 And another...
4.47 And another...
4.53 Child finishes book. Locate reading record and insert meaningful comment.
4.54 Instruct children to put on coats and shoes. Quickly get a drinks bottle and fill it with water to take.
4.55 Remind children of their task.
4.56 Get children out of house, remembering to collect own coat, phone and bag on the way.
4.57 Get children strapped in to car, leave for swimming pool.
5.10 Arrive at swimming pool car park.
5.12 Attempt to find space.
5.13 Give up, and park car in the retail park next door.
5.14 Get children out of car. Escort onto premises.
5.15 Get children into the changing room cubicle. Instruct to get undressed and put clothes in swimming bag.
5.16 Find a locker.
5.17 Return to children and remind them of their task.
5.18 Start yanking clothes off children.
5.20 Get bags repacked and place in locker.
5.21 Check children over.
5.22 Get bag back out of locker and give one child the goggles they forgot to get out.
5.23 Send child to toilet.
5.24 Child returns. Send both children to wait by pool for their lesson.
5.25 Child free time begins. Go to cafe by pool.
5.26 Try to attract attention of café staff.
5.28 Finally get a coffee.
5.29 Join rush for tables overlooking pool.
5.30 Watch children in lesson whilst tweeting. Occasionally look up and wave back to child waving at you.
5.57 Reluctantly, stop tweeting to return to changing rooms and join other parents waiting for their charges.
6.00 Lesson ends.
6.02 Go collect towels from the locker. Oops.
6.05 Try to work out where children have got to and realise they have gone for a shower.
6.08 Children appear. Put towel on them and herd back to changing cubicle.
6.09 Dry children, remove swimming costumes.
6.10 Ask children to get dressed. Help get clothes out of swimming bag.
6.11 Go to spin dry swimming costumes.
6.12 Tell child off that has followed you but is not dressed and return them to cubicle.
6.13 Return to cubicle; lose patience with lack of speed of getting dressed.
6.14 Start helping children to get dressed.
6.17 Finally get last item of clothing on child. Give them coats to put on whilst you repack swimming bags.
6.18 Chase child who has decided to run up the changing room. Ask them how come we are the only people left from the class that finished at 6.00?
6.19 Check changing room cubicle for dropped/missed items. Check you still have phone.
6.20 Herd children back outside to car and get them into car.
6.23 Get in car, breathe sigh of relief. Drive home.
6.33 Arrive home, get children and bags into house.
6.35 Get children a drink/something to eat.
6.37 Send children to put pyjamas on. Make cup of tea and hope to drink it whilst hot.
6.38 Place swimming kit in washing machine. Shout in reaction to sounds coming from upstairs which suggest no pyjamas are being put on.
6.40 Threaten immediate bed if children  are not back down in 1 minute.
6.41 Children appear in pyjamas.
6.42 Brush hair. Sip tea.
6.45 Send children to get toothbrushes and toothpaste.
6.46 Put toothpaste on toothbrushes and supervise teeth brushing.
6.48 Send children to put toothbrushes away.
6.49 Allow children to call Daddy to say goodnight. Sip tea.
6.55 Get children to finish call. Take them upstairs.
6.56 Check uniforms out and not just dumped on floor.
6.57 Get children to have quick tidy by removing as much as possible from bedroom floor. Join in or they'll be there forever.
6.58 Get first child into bed, have a hug, kiss and say goodnight.
6.59 Get second child into bed and do the same.
7.00 The children are in bed. I repeat, the children are in bed. Woohoo!
7.01 Remember that you need to cook dinner.

I thought the After School Activity was for the kids, not me....

Less Stepford Wife, more Slummy Mummy

I've realised looking through my blog posts, that if all you knew of me was from reading them, you might think I was a bit of a Stepford Wife. Well, apart from my really rubbish photography; I fear there may be no hope for me on that front. I remembered a post from my lovely blogger friend Rachael on her blog about this very subject - although she aspires to a Martha Stewart existence, even if the reality doesn't live up to the picture in her head.

On the face of it, my Stepford credentials seem impeccable. In recent years, I have started to make stuff that most people of sound mind prefer to buy in a supermarket - like bread, jam (not always that successfully), and chutney from time to time. I bake cakes or make puddings. I plan weekly menus in advance, cook from scratch and try new recipes every week. All I need is twinset and pearls, kitten heels, and shampoo and set and my transformation would be complete, like this lovely lady. So you would think.

The reality is somewhat different. This may come as a shock, but my Slummy Mummy credentials are far, far more impressive. If there was an interview for the position, I would surely ace it. Here's the supporting statement I wrote for my application.

• I frequently do the school run wearing my gym gear. I fall out of bed, throw on some trackies and a t-shirt, put a fleece or coat over the top and off I go. And that's the afternoon. Classy and stylish, it is not.
• I am rubbish at stacking the dishwasher. At least that's what my husband says. This normally means he does it wherever possible. I like this.
• I don't iron. Well, sometimes I do, but they put the flags out to mark the occasion.
• I don't paint my nails. Painting nails is something I class as a "craft activity" which means it is Something I Am Rubbish At, so I don't do it.
• On a similar front, I rarely wear make up. I forget to do it quite a lot. I wear it for special occasions. 
• And don't talk to me about eye-liner or mascara, we're back to craft activities.  The effect is more panda bear than sexy siren. 
• And hair? I have straighteners. I have hairdryer. I'm lucky if I use either. 
• The only designer clothing item I own is my wedding dress. As that is not really suitable for everyday use, I own no designer clothes at all, unless you count George as a designer.
• I don't wear matching underwear. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I am deeply suspicious of anyone whose bra and pants always match. What's that about?
• Put me in high heels and I waddle like a duck, before adopting a fetching hobble after walking approximately 0.125 miles. Killer heels? Yes, if you count my feet and ankles. 
• I don't think I could pipe swirls onto cupcakes to save my life. Making any cake look pretty is a tough call for me; yet another craft activity. Piping is likely to be a step too far. I may give it a whirl at some point, then take pictures so you can all laugh.
• And whilst I'm on craft activities, I can't sew, paint, knit or crochet. Let's not go there. The only hand-crafted gifts you are likely to get from me are food-related, and then they'll be misshapen.
• I am a messy cook. By the time I've finished, all the cupboard doors are open and there's barely a worktop unmolested by the detritus of my cooking. Thankfully, if I set my mind to it, the kitchen is usually found underneath the mess after some not inconsiderable effort.
• I have children so I am adept at turning into Shouty Mum when stressed.

So, don't let me fool you. I am far more Slummy Mummy than I am Stepford Wife. Read my posts with that in mind. Imagine the mess that went to create the culinary disasters delights, imagine the children that go unwashed whilst I blog or tweet, and you won't go far wrong. 

Dear So and So - diversions, children, social networking, yogurt, blog readers - and Asda again!

Not done this for a few weeks, but thought I'd do it now that Kat's back at 3 Bedroom Bungalow after her trip home. So, let's get down to some serious catharsis...

Dear urban planners,

Just who had the idea to shut the shortest of stretches of road with little warning, requiring the biggest diversions? First, I have to detour taking Monkey to his football on Monday (and now divert every day) then I go to take him to swimming on Wednesday and found another, requiring a 3 mile diversion. I know you want nice smooth roads - and God knows, so do I - but seriously? Are you out to annoy me or sommat?

Yours frustratedly,

Kate

Dear Asda,

Yes, it's me again. I've only been to the store for top up shops recently. You want to know why? Yep, that's right - no cafe! Please, please, please - how much do I have to beg before you put one back in? There must be plenty of mums with babies that don't go there because feeding is not easy. Or hungry kids. Or just hungry. Or thirsty.

Please sort it out. Pretty please?

Yours even more thirstily,

Kate

Dear children,

When we say "Stay in bed in the morning", that's what we mean. We don't mean "Get up to go to the toilet and then go wake up your sibling, even at 4am". There is a reason you're tired and it ain't anything to do with me.

Love,

Mummy

Dear Facebook,

Stop messing around with things, and pretending they're "enhancements". And no, I don't want to show all my photos and personal information to the whole frickin' world. Oh, and you're not Twitter, ya hear?

Sort it out,

Kate

Dear Twitter,

I love you just the way you are. Please don't try and turn into Facebook. You aren't and you never will be.  You do it so much better than them. New "features" should be added advisedly and only if it REALLY enhances your users' experiences of it. And I can't wait for your new data centre,

Yours hoping I don't see the fail whale again,

Kate

Dear Onken,

Coconut Yogurt. OMG! I love it. And you. But I hate you - I want to eat all of it in one go and I'm trying to lose weight. Can you not do smaller tubs?

Yours lasciviously,

Me

And finally......

Dear blog readers,

Thank you. I was really worried about publishing this post with pictures and all on my blog. But I did and you made such lovely comments, both on here and on Twitter, that I'm so glad I did.

I love you all,

Kate x

Dear So and So

I thought I'd join in with Kat from 3 Bedroom Bungalow's regular "Dear So and So" feature. It allows you the chance to write letters that otherwise might go unsaid....... Here are mine. Feel free to do your own and link back to Kat's page.



Dear Sunday Driver,

Please don't annoy the rest of the driving public by driving on a weekday. Also, driving at the speed of a snail because you are looking for your turning is not only bloody annoying to other road users who wish to get somewhere before the next day, it's ridiculous. You miss your turn? Turn around - takes 30 seconds. You are obviously not in a rush.

Get a Sat Nav, Kate

Dear Call Centres,

Ringing me, an unknown person, and asking "How are you today?" does not mean you are my friend nor make me want to buy any of your products or services. Rather, it pisses me off and just makes me shout "No!" into the receiver and put the phone back down. I'm a busy woman, and I've got TPS.

Leave me alone, Kate

Dear Mormon,

Normally, I love you guys and a polite "no thanks" to your visits suffices. Stopping me in a street that isn't even where my home is, accosting me as I'm trying to deal with one child and collect another from a party, being insistent on talking to me in the middle of the road then offering to come back later does not endear you to me. Unless I go around with my home address attached to my back, there's no way you're going to find me anyway. So there.

Yours with the upper hand, Kate

Dear Asda,

Put a coffee shop in my local store. PLEASE!

Yours thirstily, Kate

Dear Monkey,

Thank you for teaching me a valuable parenting lesson this week. And well done for all your hard work at school this year. Even if you didn't think your quality work was great sometimes, I thought it was. You're a clever boy. Now please can you be an angel in the school holidays?

Yours hopefully, Mummy