How do you teach children to stand up for themselves?

Photo credit - lusi

Since Monkey was small, we have taught him to walk away from trouble. To be fair to him, unless it's his sister, if another child has hit him, or snatched a toy from him, he's stood there and look mystified but as the time for him to start school approached, we made sure he knew that retaliation was not good.

He's never had a problem at school. There have been the odd occasion when a child has hit him but all he has done is tell the nearest appropriate adult and it hasn't been repeated. The school stress their zero tolerance for bullying and I know he feels comfortable telling me there's been a problem or telling a member of staff at school.

But lately, I've been wondering - at what point do I teach him to stand up for himself and to do that without resorting to physical violence? Over the last year, I've noticed that there is an older boy who lives nearby that makes him feel very uncomfortable and whilst not actually bullying him, has hit other children that he knows and has been nasty to him. Most of the time, he has avoided him and told me about any problems he's had with him. Until now, I've told him to stay away.

But last week during the holidays, he went to the park around the corner with Missy Woo and this boy was there. The boy asked him who his girlfriend was. Instead of saying, "She's my sister," and carry on normally, he came home again.

At some point, I think he will probably have to be able to stand his ground, and learn when to do that and when to walk away. I don't want him to be cowed by any type of bully, be that physical or verbal and yes, it is probably right to walk away from someone who is being, or threatening to be, violent but not to someone who's just being mean. When should that be, and how do I start to teach him that skill or wisdom to know the difference between the two? My worry is that school is so supportive about dealing with bullying behaviour that they don't really know how to deal with it when it crops up in other situations. Not that I want him to be bullied; I just need to teach him how to handle himself without having to raise his fists. I don't want him to get in trouble - he probably won't but it's always a risk - and I don't want him to get a reputation with other children or their parents.

Do you have any advice for me? How have you dealt with this tricky area of parenting? How best can I support him - and ultimately, Missy Woo too? I'd love you to share your collective wisdom with me. Please do so in the comments below because I am sure I am not the only parent bothered by this. Thank you. 


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Why is it so much easier with only one?

Partners in crime

People thought I was mad when I had two children only 16 months apart. I never saw it that way because they had such similar needs. One was hard work anyway and it didn't take much more to meet the needs of the other. As an added bonus, they slept at the same time at least once a day mostly so I got a break.

It seems to have got worse as they have got older. Now they are both at school, it should be a doddle but the period between school pick up and their bedtime, even if we have nothing on, is really stressful, especially when I'm on my own with them. It's not that they argue or fight but they seem to tag team me, pestering me in turns. Even if I offer them things, you can guarantee they will ask me for something the second I sit down. The hours pass in a whirl of readings, spellings, making and eating tea, a little time for playing or watching telly, bath time and then catching up with Daddy when he gets home.

Somehow, it seems that it's now much much easier when there is only one child at home. It's not even as if they fight. Take this week - Missy Woo was off to her friend's for tea, so it was just me and Monkey after I school. In the past, he's been known for walking out of school and in the few paces (and seconds) between the classroom and me, he would turn from the angel Gabriel to the devil incarnate. In that time, he would come up with the most unreasonable demands - he'd want to go to the playcentre we went to only yesterday, he'd want chocolate even though he'd had loads, he'd want his Daddy even though he knew he was at work. I swear he did it just to be able to have a massive tantrum. The child who has never been told off at school ever would turn on a sixpence. Admittedly, he's got better since he stopped being so tired after a day at school but boy, was it fun. Not. I would be the parent resorting to dragging my child, red-faced and screaming, across the playground, under the gaze of parents who were mostly offering up a silent prayer of thanks that it was not their child creating this scene.

I picked him up this particular afternoon and as we walked back to the car, he asked if he could play computer games when we got home. This is often another flashpoint as my stock answer is to say he can, once he's done his reading and spellings (which takes 15 minutes tops). In fact, he usually spends so long arguing with me over this, he could have done it all in the time and be playing. I remind him he needs to do this, especially as for some reason, his teacher had taken his homework folder away and not given it back for two days and brace myself for the usual outburst. "Oh yeah", he calmly says and gets in the car. Whoa!

I made him toast, which he ate and then we set to work on the spellings, which he did in seconds and we sat down to do his reading, which turned out to be a book he's been gazing at for months but now he is on the appropriate reading level, he is allowed to read. He happily read several today, whereas the day before, he'd been sent to bed early for arguing with me over reading and wouldn't read his book properly. We talked about it, until he suddenly said "Can I play now?" and I saw no reason to refuse. Every time I asked a question, he politely answered or if I asked him to do something, he replied "Yes, Mummy" where I would usually get a curt "No" or a whiney "Do I have to?". He did get himself in a tizz over eating his tea and continuing his game until I pointed out it would wait until he'd finished, and possibly missing Pointless.

Oh yes, Pointless. Monkey loves it with a passion. It appeals to his geeky side. He doesn't know most of the answers but he knows I can have a go and he often asks me if the answer the contestants have given are right. I must admit, I like it too, but not quite as obsessively as he does. I mean, we were even at a friend's house last week when 5.15 rolled around and he walked up to my friend and asked if he could watch it when he had friends his own age to play with. She put it on for him and was amazed that he followed it intently from start to finish.

We watched Pointless together, with him sat right next to me. It seems like these days, the only way I get true affection out of him is when he's going to bed or we are on our own together. He's already at the point where he won't be seen kissing, hugging or even holding my hand (the latter only if I insist for safety reasons) in public.

It was lovely. It was so lovely in fact, I was even moved to ask him why he isn't like this more, when Missy Woo is around. His answer? "Well, Missy Woo annoys me." Now, I don't believe that for a minute. She is definitely the calmer of the two, if a little giddy at times, and most of his arguments are with me and nothing to do with her. She might egg him on to be silly a bit and the same is true of him, but I can't figure it out. It is not that I don't give him attention when she is there, nor do I ignore her when he is around. They aren't competing for my attention as they either play together or they do their own things.

I had such a nice time that I almost didn't want to go and collect Missy Woo, but as it was so close to bedtime, I didn't have to deal with grumpy children. And no doubt, tomorrow, normal service will be resumed and he'll be arguing with me from the second I pick him up unless he totally gets his own way.

Maybe it's the rule of divide and conquer. I've focussed on Monkey because he is often the harder work when they are together - Missy is mostly angelic, but more likely to be sulky. She's working on her diva training for I had the first "I hate you!" shouted at me by her the other week (although she told me she loved me within half an hour.). But one thing is for sure; I don't know what it is, but one child instead of two in the house is less than half the work - and stress - for me. I really appreciate the one-to-one time I get with either child.Whatever it is that makes them so wonderful in that situation, it brings out the best in them.

And it reminds me why I love my children.

I don't like Mondays

Now, the title of this post probably doesn't surprise you much, does it? After all, the start of the week, getting back into the groove of work and daily routine, is never nice. And no, it's not. But that's not why I dislike a lot of Mondays. Oh no. For a start, getting back into the daily routine means the children are back at school, even if they don't quite seem to remember on Monday mornings that we must get to school by a certain time. I can live with that and the arrival at school on Mondays is like a full stop to the weekend, and I breathe a sigh of relief as they walk through them sometimes.

But no, not that. What I really hate about Mondays is the tyranny of the After School Activity. On Mondays, it is the Swimming Lesson. School finishes at 3.30, lesson is at 5.30, bedtime is 7.00. This leads to an interesting schedule as follows.

3.10 Check tweets.
3.15 Realise the time, grab coat phone and keys for school run.
3.20 Leave house, drive to school, remembering to slow down where they hide the mobile speed camera.
3.25 Hope to get parking space on back road.
3.27 Check phone for tweets and emails. (It's been 12 mins, OK?)
3.28 Get out of car and walk into school playground.
3.29 Play the "Guess which child will come out of their class door first" game and choose door to stand near.
3.31 Mutter that they're late out. Again.
3.33 Realise you've lost the "Guess which child will come out of the class door first" game and that the other child is waiting for you to collect them.
3.35 Wait, pointedly, by other door with child that wants to run all over the playground.
3.36 Door opens. Late, again!
3.37 Remember this means your child is at the back of the line again.
3.39 Child finally appears.
3.40 Realise other child has run off whilst you weren't looking.
3.41 Locate other child and retrieve (For which read: holler at them to come here NOW!)
3.42 Finally leave school grounds.
3.43 Holler at one child again as they run off into the distance.
3.44 Walk back to car with children, trying to ascertain what they ate for lunch/did at school today.
3.46 Get children into car.
3.48 Drive home, remembering about the speed camera.
3.53 Arrive home, herd children with book bags out of car and in through front door.
3.55 Make sandwiches for tea unless tea is already made (vain hope) whilst refereeing argument over whether Sky Sports News or CBBC is the channel du jour.
3.58 Give sandwiches to children, ask them to eat them. (This might seem stupid but at least one forgets).
4.00 Shout at children for not eating sandwiches whilst you get a drink ready for them.
4.01 Make cup of tea. This will go cold before you reach the bottom.
4.04 Remind (shout at) children that they need to get sandwiches eaten and not play with toys/watch telly/argue.
4.07 Remind/shout at/nag children for a third time. Realise one child has at least finished, but wants more food.
4.08 Provide said child with yogurt. Shout at other child to "just eat the flipping sandwiches, how can it be that hard?".
4.09 Tell child who has now finished yogurt to get changed into swimming costume. Lose patience with other child. Have a sip of tea.
4.12 Show child where swimming kit is, ie the same place as last week. Provide second child, who has FINALLY finished sandwiches with a yogurt and ask they eat it quickly.
4.15 Tell second child to go and get their swimming kit and get changed. Remind first child to ensure they remove underwear and visit toilet BEFORE putting on swimming costume.
4.18 Ask loudly why neither child has swimming costume on and uniform put back on. Have sip of tea, whch is now a bit on the lukewarm side.
4.21 Locate child, who has wandered off after a loo trip, and gently remind AGAIN of their mission to put on swimming costume and uniform back on over it.
4.24 Remind first child, who has finally finished getting changed, that they need to get their book bag for you to check. Tell second child that no, they don't need to take their socks off as they will only have to put them back on again in a minute.
4.25 Check book bag. Read newsletter. Have sip of tea. Say through gritted teeth "Will you get that flipping costume ON?" whilst reading. (Thank God women can multitask, eh?)
4.26 Realise child has reading and spellings to do this week. Ask child if they want to do spellings or read book. Get negative answer.
4.30 Realise drinks have not been drunk. Ask children to drink them. Hope children don't need loo again before leaving house.
4.33 Ask second child, who has FINALLY got swimming costume on and uniform replaced, to go and get their book bag.
4.35 Realise they have books to read and spellings to do too. Second child keen to do all of them. Sigh.
4.36 Have a sip of tea. Getting cold.
4.37 Supervise child doing spellings.
4.40 Child finishes spellings. Check them.
4.41 Child settles in to read book to you. Try to get sip of nearly cold tea.
4.43 Remember they get new books on Monday and child is never as good at reading through first time.
4.44 Have a sip of tea. Colder.
4.45 Have another sip of tea.
4.46 And another...
4.47 And another...
4.53 Child finishes book. Locate reading record and insert meaningful comment.
4.54 Instruct children to put on coats and shoes. Quickly get a drinks bottle and fill it with water to take.
4.55 Remind children of their task.
4.56 Get children out of house, remembering to collect own coat, phone and bag on the way.
4.57 Get children strapped in to car, leave for swimming pool.
5.10 Arrive at swimming pool car park.
5.12 Attempt to find space.
5.13 Give up, and park car in the retail park next door.
5.14 Get children out of car. Escort onto premises.
5.15 Get children into the changing room cubicle. Instruct to get undressed and put clothes in swimming bag.
5.16 Find a locker.
5.17 Return to children and remind them of their task.
5.18 Start yanking clothes off children.
5.20 Get bags repacked and place in locker.
5.21 Check children over.
5.22 Get bag back out of locker and give one child the goggles they forgot to get out.
5.23 Send child to toilet.
5.24 Child returns. Send both children to wait by pool for their lesson.
5.25 Child free time begins. Go to cafe by pool.
5.26 Try to attract attention of café staff.
5.28 Finally get a coffee.
5.29 Join rush for tables overlooking pool.
5.30 Watch children in lesson whilst tweeting. Occasionally look up and wave back to child waving at you.
5.57 Reluctantly, stop tweeting to return to changing rooms and join other parents waiting for their charges.
6.00 Lesson ends.
6.02 Go collect towels from the locker. Oops.
6.05 Try to work out where children have got to and realise they have gone for a shower.
6.08 Children appear. Put towel on them and herd back to changing cubicle.
6.09 Dry children, remove swimming costumes.
6.10 Ask children to get dressed. Help get clothes out of swimming bag.
6.11 Go to spin dry swimming costumes.
6.12 Tell child off that has followed you but is not dressed and return them to cubicle.
6.13 Return to cubicle; lose patience with lack of speed of getting dressed.
6.14 Start helping children to get dressed.
6.17 Finally get last item of clothing on child. Give them coats to put on whilst you repack swimming bags.
6.18 Chase child who has decided to run up the changing room. Ask them how come we are the only people left from the class that finished at 6.00?
6.19 Check changing room cubicle for dropped/missed items. Check you still have phone.
6.20 Herd children back outside to car and get them into car.
6.23 Get in car, breathe sigh of relief. Drive home.
6.33 Arrive home, get children and bags into house.
6.35 Get children a drink/something to eat.
6.37 Send children to put pyjamas on. Make cup of tea and hope to drink it whilst hot.
6.38 Place swimming kit in washing machine. Shout in reaction to sounds coming from upstairs which suggest no pyjamas are being put on.
6.40 Threaten immediate bed if children  are not back down in 1 minute.
6.41 Children appear in pyjamas.
6.42 Brush hair. Sip tea.
6.45 Send children to get toothbrushes and toothpaste.
6.46 Put toothpaste on toothbrushes and supervise teeth brushing.
6.48 Send children to put toothbrushes away.
6.49 Allow children to call Daddy to say goodnight. Sip tea.
6.55 Get children to finish call. Take them upstairs.
6.56 Check uniforms out and not just dumped on floor.
6.57 Get children to have quick tidy by removing as much as possible from bedroom floor. Join in or they'll be there forever.
6.58 Get first child into bed, have a hug, kiss and say goodnight.
6.59 Get second child into bed and do the same.
7.00 The children are in bed. I repeat, the children are in bed. Woohoo!
7.01 Remember that you need to cook dinner.

I thought the After School Activity was for the kids, not me....