Less Stepford Wife, more Slummy Mummy

I've realised looking through my blog posts, that if all you knew of me was from reading them, you might think I was a bit of a Stepford Wife. Well, apart from my really rubbish photography; I fear there may be no hope for me on that front. I remembered a post from my lovely blogger friend Rachael on her blog about this very subject - although she aspires to a Martha Stewart existence, even if the reality doesn't live up to the picture in her head.

On the face of it, my Stepford credentials seem impeccable. In recent years, I have started to make stuff that most people of sound mind prefer to buy in a supermarket - like bread, jam (not always that successfully), and chutney from time to time. I bake cakes or make puddings. I plan weekly menus in advance, cook from scratch and try new recipes every week. All I need is twinset and pearls, kitten heels, and shampoo and set and my transformation would be complete, like this lovely lady. So you would think.

The reality is somewhat different. This may come as a shock, but my Slummy Mummy credentials are far, far more impressive. If there was an interview for the position, I would surely ace it. Here's the supporting statement I wrote for my application.

• I frequently do the school run wearing my gym gear. I fall out of bed, throw on some trackies and a t-shirt, put a fleece or coat over the top and off I go. And that's the afternoon. Classy and stylish, it is not.
• I am rubbish at stacking the dishwasher. At least that's what my husband says. This normally means he does it wherever possible. I like this.
• I don't iron. Well, sometimes I do, but they put the flags out to mark the occasion.
• I don't paint my nails. Painting nails is something I class as a "craft activity" which means it is Something I Am Rubbish At, so I don't do it.
• On a similar front, I rarely wear make up. I forget to do it quite a lot. I wear it for special occasions. 
• And don't talk to me about eye-liner or mascara, we're back to craft activities.  The effect is more panda bear than sexy siren. 
• And hair? I have straighteners. I have hairdryer. I'm lucky if I use either. 
• The only designer clothing item I own is my wedding dress. As that is not really suitable for everyday use, I own no designer clothes at all, unless you count George as a designer.
• I don't wear matching underwear. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I am deeply suspicious of anyone whose bra and pants always match. What's that about?
• Put me in high heels and I waddle like a duck, before adopting a fetching hobble after walking approximately 0.125 miles. Killer heels? Yes, if you count my feet and ankles. 
• I don't think I could pipe swirls onto cupcakes to save my life. Making any cake look pretty is a tough call for me; yet another craft activity. Piping is likely to be a step too far. I may give it a whirl at some point, then take pictures so you can all laugh.
• And whilst I'm on craft activities, I can't sew, paint, knit or crochet. Let's not go there. The only hand-crafted gifts you are likely to get from me are food-related, and then they'll be misshapen.
• I am a messy cook. By the time I've finished, all the cupboard doors are open and there's barely a worktop unmolested by the detritus of my cooking. Thankfully, if I set my mind to it, the kitchen is usually found underneath the mess after some not inconsiderable effort.
• I have children so I am adept at turning into Shouty Mum when stressed.

So, don't let me fool you. I am far more Slummy Mummy than I am Stepford Wife. Read my posts with that in mind. Imagine the mess that went to create the culinary disasters delights, imagine the children that go unwashed whilst I blog or tweet, and you won't go far wrong.