Parenting - not for the faint-hearted

The other day, I noticed a tweet from another blogger who said that her daughter thought she was evil, because she had said no to ice-cream. I replied to her that my kids think I'm evil daily but such is life. She replied that it's hard not being liked but that it must be part of being a parent. 

And it's true. You can't be your children's friend all the time. You love each other, but there are a lot of times when you just don't like each other very much. The old phrase "tough love" rears its ugly head. 

Little did I know that this would come back to haunt me so quickly. That afternoon, I went to collect the children from school and Monkey was being challenging to say the least. The current focus is my old laptop - it hasn't been working for months, but I've recently had it repaired and have cleaned it of my work data, so now it's designated for them to play on and both children are beyond excited. Both had spent a considerable amount of time on it since, but I had said the night before that we were going to get reading out of the way first before any screen time, and Monkey had said OK to that. 

On the way back to the car, Monkey was already asking if he could play on the laptop. I reminded him of the deal and he threw a tantrum, claiming he didn't remember the deal we had made. His tantrums are very vocal and he starts blaming everyone (except himself) and everything for the injustice in the world. This one was so bad, I stopped the car after pulling away because he was making me angry. He went on so much, I decided I had to act. "OK then, there will be no laptop at all for you this evening. I am not standing for behaviour like this."

This was not received well. We had tears, recriminations, screaming, kicking of legs for the duration of the 5 minute journey, clearly because he thought he could change my mind and I would relent. I stood my ground. 

We got home and one of the neighbour's children appeared as we got out of the car. I explained to him that Monkey couldn't play with him. Monkey went mad. Shouting, screaming, kicking, crying, you name it, he did it. I tried to calm him but he was pushing all my buttons and winding me up (plus, it's not fair on Missy Woo, she loses attention and it's not her fault; she is much less antagonistic although liable to whines and sulks.)

Eventually, I cracked. I told him he was not staying up to watch any football, sent him to go and get his pyjamas on, he would then do his reading and have some tea, then go straight to bed. This was met with even more recriminations but I stood strong. He came downstairs to read and obviously thought he was on safe ground as tea was not made. Wrong. I made him toast. He ate it sobbing. He kept saying sorry, but it was obviously done in such a way that he hoped I would go back on my word. He read his book, had a drink and I sent him upstairs. 

By the time he did get to bed, I felt like the worst mother in the world. Obviously, it was still quite early and there was no way he was going to sleep so he sat in his bed, shouting screaming and crying. He demanded to see Daddy when he got home, but then proceeded to blame his behaviour on him for getting the children up early which meant he was tired. Husband left him to it. More shouting and crying. 

Several times over, he found reasons to come out of his room but he got sent back. He demanded to see husband once again but he didn't really have anything to say. Eventually, I had to go upstairs to the spare room and Missy Woo was getting ready for bed too. He opened his door for something and so I asked him to do a couple of jobs, then I put him back into bed. Much calmer now, he said sorry and started to cry again. Hugging him, I asked him what was the matter.

His reply said it all. He told me, "I'm crying because I'm cross with myself for getting sent to bed and now I've missed the football." 

I may not be the perfect parent and yes, my children think I am evil daily. I say no to them. But that means they know what the boundaries are and they know the consequences if they cross them and that they can't have everything whenever they want it. It's hard not being liked, being blamed for the faults of others, having the product of nine months' incubation that you love dearly telling you that they hate you, but the end result is worth it. 

There will be parents out there who read this post that will think I could have done it the nice way, but the only result Monkey would have been happy with would have been to play on that laptop - and that would have meant giving in and rewarding what was pretty awful behaviour.  Much as it was hard, I couldn't do that because that was the best way to guarantee a rapid re-occurrence. My reaction might have been extreme, but I felt it was proportionate to the behaviour. Since this incident, he has been really well-behaved and much less argumentative about things that are regularly flashpoints with him. I think the penny has finally dropped. 

Parenting isn't about being their friend all the time. It's being the critical friend, who has their best interests at heart. It's hard. It's relentless and it's not for the faint-hearted. But if you think you are right, it's worth standing your ground. 

Dawdling and tantrums as end of year fatigue sets in

Nearly a year ago now. Wow.

The last week of term. The end of the school year. It's flown and it's dragged. But boy, are the children ready for it!

It started a week or two ago. Missy Woo's reading started going awry. It was like she had a complete block with words I know she knows. She would either sound them out, or guess them. We're not talking difficult words, we're talking short words, even as short as "on" or "for". I kept writing things in her reading record until we all got frustrated and wrote a long diatribe asking for tips as it was becoming a source of tension. Of course, the next book she had she was fine at reading. A few days later, the headteacher took her class and told me the class teacher would listen to her read the next day. She was perfect. Then it dawned on me that she might be tired. So I got her reading as early as possible after school and she's been much better. And I remember what she was like in her first term. She has slowed down. She sat on my knee the other night and I swear that she would have fallen asleep given the chance. It's end of year fatigue. She has it in spades.

Tantrums - how do you cope?

Monkey has a bit of a temper. He's been like that, almost since the day he landed on this earth. We even have footage of him as a baby, giggling and laughing away at us, when his mood turns suddenly and he starts crying instead. Missy Woo was a revelation in terms of being even tempered and sleeping well as a small baby when she arrived.

As time has gone on, and particularly since he's started school, tantrums have become a real issue with him. Every now and then, they happen. Normally, straight after school is the time. He walks out of school - where, it must be said, he will have been an angel all day long - and stridently demands something, I say no, and then it starts. Name calling, foot stamping, even violence against me and Missy Woo. I get all of it. 

Yesterday was a case in point. It was a freezing cold day and standing in the school playground was not a pleasant experience. (Why is it that they are always late out when the weather is wet or cold?) As we walked out of school, he stopped by the back gate and told me he wanted to look for his car which one of his school friends had kicked under the fence a few days ago. All I saw was a pile of leaves, and I was freezing - even the path was still icy. So, I told him no, we'd look another day when it was warmer and carried on walking back to the car. 

And that was it. I'm used to a bit of truculence but this was different. He went mad. He shouted at me, aimed his book bag at me, tried to hit me, all in the space of a few yards. He threw his jumper on the ground, which for some unknown reason, he was carrying instead of wearing.

We got to the car in a few minutes instead of a few seconds. We had an argument over who was sitting where in the car and finally I almost wrestled him into the car, during which he hit Missy Woo just because she was nearest. Finally, long after everyone else had left, and a reading of the riot act, we got away with the situation generally calmed, although his face was bright red from crying. 

However, we had to pop to Asda after school. He was a bit disobedient - every time I said no, he started off again and of course, that got people staring at us. The children went off to look at DS games as I went through the checkout and then he showed me a case for his DS that he wanted NOW which set him off again.

Back at the car and we were off again. He argued - and lied - about where he'd sat in the car on the way from school. He started screaming, and kicking out again so getting him in the car was a trial. Having had a final warning, I told him he was going straight to bed as soon as possible. The 5 minute drive home was hell - kicking, screaming, shouting stuff at me about how I was rude and horrible and how he wanted me to go away, or worse, go to prison and so forth. 

When we got home, I sent him straight upstairs to put his pyjamas on whilst I fix a quick tea. He threw his uniform downstairs. Everything I said was met with screams. I managed a tearful tweet on my phone before struggling through getting him to eat his tea, brush his teeth and go to bed, still with him screaming at me between mouthfuls, or every time I asked him to do something. Finally, I got him upstairs to his bed and I tried to have a chat about why he was going to bed so early - it was 5pm. By this time, he was contrite to try and make me go back on my decision to send him to bed, but it had already gone too far. He was trying excuses - Missy Woo woke him early (not that much), the alarm clock on the landing ticks too loudly (never mentioned that one before) and so on. But it was too late. I said goodnight to him and gratefully shut the door. He was asleep before 6.

It was less than 90 minutes, but it felt interminable. I just wanted to go and cry at the end of it. Thankfully, Missy Woo had been an angel through the whole process and after, went and sat in the kitchen playing with play dough whilst I sat down and vented on the phone to a friend, before coming to sit with me and give me a big cuddle.

At the end of it all, I just felt drained. When his tantrums happen, they're exhausting and it spoils what should be a nice time for us together as a family. (He did it once when we went out for Missy Woo's tea). Some of it is down to tiredness, but not all of it. Some of it is down to hunger but again, it doesn't excuse it. He gets sanctions, so it's not like he gets away with these episodes. He's so good at school, that if I mention his tantrums to the teachers, they honestly don't recognise the child I'm talking about. I know it's because he's more comfortable with testing us than anyone else, but it doesn't make it easier. And I have another child to consider, who kind of gets sidelined when it happens - although I'm pretty sure she understands that she is better off being good and helpful when he's like it. 

So, I ask you - does your child have tantrums like this? How do you cope if you do? How do you deal with your child in these situations? 

I find it exhausting, draining, highly emotional and dispiriting. I love my children dearly but this just makes me feel like the worst mother in the world.

And to all the lovely people who sent me messages of Twitter love, hugs and support, thank you. The internet is a truly great place when you're feeling very lonely and need a bit of a boost. There are way too many to mention, but you know who you are. Some really lovely people even went out of their way to make sure I was OK and I really appreciated that. You cheered me up and made me feel less lonely. For that alone, I love them to pieces. Thank you.

PS Monkey came out of school today to say that another of his friends found his car for him, so it can't have been where he said it was anyway. Grrr......