Parenting - not for the faint-hearted

The other day, I noticed a tweet from another blogger who said that her daughter thought she was evil, because she had said no to ice-cream. I replied to her that my kids think I'm evil daily but such is life. She replied that it's hard not being liked but that it must be part of being a parent. 

And it's true. You can't be your children's friend all the time. You love each other, but there are a lot of times when you just don't like each other very much. The old phrase "tough love" rears its ugly head. 

Little did I know that this would come back to haunt me so quickly. That afternoon, I went to collect the children from school and Monkey was being challenging to say the least. The current focus is my old laptop - it hasn't been working for months, but I've recently had it repaired and have cleaned it of my work data, so now it's designated for them to play on and both children are beyond excited. Both had spent a considerable amount of time on it since, but I had said the night before that we were going to get reading out of the way first before any screen time, and Monkey had said OK to that. 

On the way back to the car, Monkey was already asking if he could play on the laptop. I reminded him of the deal and he threw a tantrum, claiming he didn't remember the deal we had made. His tantrums are very vocal and he starts blaming everyone (except himself) and everything for the injustice in the world. This one was so bad, I stopped the car after pulling away because he was making me angry. He went on so much, I decided I had to act. "OK then, there will be no laptop at all for you this evening. I am not standing for behaviour like this."

This was not received well. We had tears, recriminations, screaming, kicking of legs for the duration of the 5 minute journey, clearly because he thought he could change my mind and I would relent. I stood my ground. 

We got home and one of the neighbour's children appeared as we got out of the car. I explained to him that Monkey couldn't play with him. Monkey went mad. Shouting, screaming, kicking, crying, you name it, he did it. I tried to calm him but he was pushing all my buttons and winding me up (plus, it's not fair on Missy Woo, she loses attention and it's not her fault; she is much less antagonistic although liable to whines and sulks.)

Eventually, I cracked. I told him he was not staying up to watch any football, sent him to go and get his pyjamas on, he would then do his reading and have some tea, then go straight to bed. This was met with even more recriminations but I stood strong. He came downstairs to read and obviously thought he was on safe ground as tea was not made. Wrong. I made him toast. He ate it sobbing. He kept saying sorry, but it was obviously done in such a way that he hoped I would go back on my word. He read his book, had a drink and I sent him upstairs. 

By the time he did get to bed, I felt like the worst mother in the world. Obviously, it was still quite early and there was no way he was going to sleep so he sat in his bed, shouting screaming and crying. He demanded to see Daddy when he got home, but then proceeded to blame his behaviour on him for getting the children up early which meant he was tired. Husband left him to it. More shouting and crying. 

Several times over, he found reasons to come out of his room but he got sent back. He demanded to see husband once again but he didn't really have anything to say. Eventually, I had to go upstairs to the spare room and Missy Woo was getting ready for bed too. He opened his door for something and so I asked him to do a couple of jobs, then I put him back into bed. Much calmer now, he said sorry and started to cry again. Hugging him, I asked him what was the matter.

His reply said it all. He told me, "I'm crying because I'm cross with myself for getting sent to bed and now I've missed the football." 

I may not be the perfect parent and yes, my children think I am evil daily. I say no to them. But that means they know what the boundaries are and they know the consequences if they cross them and that they can't have everything whenever they want it. It's hard not being liked, being blamed for the faults of others, having the product of nine months' incubation that you love dearly telling you that they hate you, but the end result is worth it. 

There will be parents out there who read this post that will think I could have done it the nice way, but the only result Monkey would have been happy with would have been to play on that laptop - and that would have meant giving in and rewarding what was pretty awful behaviour.  Much as it was hard, I couldn't do that because that was the best way to guarantee a rapid re-occurrence. My reaction might have been extreme, but I felt it was proportionate to the behaviour. Since this incident, he has been really well-behaved and much less argumentative about things that are regularly flashpoints with him. I think the penny has finally dropped. 

Parenting isn't about being their friend all the time. It's being the critical friend, who has their best interests at heart. It's hard. It's relentless and it's not for the faint-hearted. But if you think you are right, it's worth standing your ground. 

Competitive (dis)advantage?

Photo credit - wvubush

There is no doubt about it - Monkey is a competitive child. He is stubborn and determined, and he has learned that if he keeps trying at things, he will get better. In many ways, that is a good thing and it means he needs little encouragement to stick at it, certainly in his school work.

My son, the perfect house guest

Yes, it's really true. Since the children have been back to school, Monkey has been a child in demand. He's been out to tea twice after school and to his first ever sleepover, admittedly to one of the friends who invited him back for tea. That's not bad, considering the school term is only three weeks old.

Butter wouldn't melt, eh?

It has become apparent that he is very popular with his friend's parents. I went to collect him from the first friend and the mum said "He's the quietest child we have had round to play." To which I slightly snorted, "He can come back anytime". After I collected him from the same house a few days later after his sleepover, I asked how much sleep he had got and the mum admitted to me that he'd wanted to go to sleep first but had been kept awake by some of the louder ones.

Then a day or so later, he got invited to another friend's house that he has visited a few times. He even got to choose what they ate - heaven for a boy who loves his food. Not that he is picky, because once again, when I went to pick him up, the mum said how much she loves how well he eats everything given to him. Then, the next morning, the mum came up to me and said, "I just love how laid back Monkey is". I snorted again and said that I thought that he and her son are a good combination as he and another friend can squabble like an old married couple, because they are just so similar.

Still, I'm wondering who is this child they're describing. I recognise the child that eats everything put in front of him because he's always been a brilliant eater, for which I have always been very thankful. But laid back? Quiet? Is this really Monkey or does a replicant take his form and go in his place? The Monkey I know after school normally has a very set idea of EXACTLY what he wants and tries to argue to get it until he melts down, my patience runs out, or both.

I am not however complaining. I think he's a pragmatist (not that he knows what one of those is). He knows if he is an angel, he'll get to go back and he enjoys the novelty of playing with someone else's toys, eating someone else's food and playing in someone else's bedroom. So, he becomes the perfect house guest. Parents think he's wonderful, children think he's a good friend (which he is generally). Not a word out of place, not a morsel of food refused. It's like he swallowed an etiquette guide. He might eat all your food though.

 I'd just love it if he could be as angelic for me. I'd do a vlog of his after school behaviour but I'd be afraid to publish it in case the other mums saw the real Monkey and his social life dried up! And I'd rather he be good for them and bad at home than the other way around. I just have a lot of invites to reciprocate now!

Is your child the perfect house guest? Do they morph into an angel as they step into a friend's house or are they just the same? Is Monkey a typical child for his age? Do tell me, I'd love to know. 

How to be made to feel like a bad mother in one easy move.

So the other day, I took the children to the Trafford Centre. I was trying to get them out of the way because we are having to deal with night shifts at the moment and it's better if the house is quietish during the day.

I decided to take them somewhere for lunch. It's a place we have eaten at before, and had coffee at a few more times. Mostly, they were pretty good although they have a fascinations for toilets and kept going to the toilet.

However, after the meal, they reached their boredom threshold very quickly and started to get up. I was trying to finish off my large coffee as quickly as I could and I'd asked for the bill, but they kept getting up and wandering around and I kept telling them to sit down.

Eventually, Monkey - for whatever reason - hid under a table but did so with his feet sticking out. I got up and called him quite sharply to get out and get up. And then the manager appeared. He got Monkey out of there and brought him over to the table and got Missy Woo to sit down. He smiled and half-winked at me and then proceeded to explain that they can't go running around because the waiting staff are carrying hot drinks etc. They said sorry and the guy went away. I paid the bill and couldn't get them out of there fast enough.

Now, I appreciate that the guy was a) explaining to them what is basic health and safety and b) trying to help me, but I walked away from that place feeling like an unfit mother and a bloody awful one at that. True, they weren't on their best day that day as they were a bit full of it and possibly we should have gone to the Food Court but it is a lively place anyway, I had been trying to control them, and it was only for a few minutes.

I almost feel too ashamed to go back now. Should I feel this way about it? I am normally pretty firm with my kids; they know where they stand with me but sometimes, they just have the devil in them and ignore what I say. This was one of those times. I'd be interested in your thoughts because I don't want to be the mother that can't control her kids.