Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a better day, because today does not feel like a good place right now. If I knew why exactly, I would be telling you about it but I don't have that answer. Just a feeling that I'm constantly on the verge of dissolving into tears and a frequent feeling of salty fluid filling up my eyes. I hate feeling like this because I like to sort problems out quickly and without knowing why, I can't fix myself.

Maybe the last few days have taken out of me. Monday, in particular, was a rollercoaster of a day, veering wildly as an out-of-control juggernaut  between some amazing highs and pride in myself and my achievements to the depths of despair, anger and frustration, in a few short hours. Then Tuesday was hard work - a 3 hour drive turned into one of over 5 hours and a total journey time of well over 7 hours, leaving me drained and not able to do any of the catching up I had planned to do when we finally got home.

So today, and tomorrow, I need to catch up. The weight of the things I need to do sit heavily on my shoulders, making everything feel like a gargantuan effort, almost trapping me to the point that I cannot breathe. The children have disgraced themselves today since we discovered they broke some cherished gifts - and hid the evidence. After being troopers over the last few days and not turning our 7 hour odyssey into total hell, I'm despairing that they could be so destructive, sneaky and just plain horrible. Not the best day to be their parent.

Tomorrow will be a better day, after I've spent today slobbing around looking only slightly less slatternly than Waynetta (minus the fag). Tomorrow, I will do all the things I plan to get done. Tomorrow, my children will be better behaved and I'll be a better mother. Tomorrow, I will feel less down, more appreciated and the salt of my tears will have dried upon my face. The sun will be brighter, the weather warmer, and drier. I'll be slimmer and feel prettier. I'll cook healthy, nutritious food that the children will love to eat. The house will be tidy and clean. The children will behave beautifully, play nicely and stop pestering me every few minutes.

Life will be perfect tomorrow. Or maybe not, as I'm on my own with the children for 12 hours. Make that the day after tomorrow then...

The one thing I cling onto when I have bad days is that I have hope. Tomorrow is always, tantalisingly, full of hope like it remains out of reach. If it doesn't live up to its billing, much as I feel bad right now, it doesn't really matter. There's always another tomorrow to look forward to. Another one there in front of me, beckoning me forward, drawing me towards it.

And the reason I have hope for tomorrow?


It sounds trite but they are my tomorrow as much as motherhood has been my today for the last 2225 days. I may be late with this Gallery post for me, but like everything, we get there in the end.

And then... there is always tomorrow. It will be a better day, and life will be perfect.

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