LifeCircle 2012: Saying no

I was going to set a task that led on from last week's but I think I need to see more of your posts before I do that. (*cough* hint *cough*). However, in the meantime, I'm going to set you another task that will teach you a useful skill that you need to have in your toolbox because it will help you to achieve your goals more quickly.

That skill is saying no.

We are all so polite. We don't like to say no, even when we want to. Saying yes when you mean no can cause stress - taking on too much takes us away from the things we really want or need to do, and just adds to our to-do list. Once we learn to say no, our yes truly does mean yes and our no means no.

People don't like to be impolite, and feel they are letting others down by saying no, or saying no means they are rejecting the person asking. But unless you are Supermand or Superwoman, at some point in your life, you have to say no. If you want to stay sane, that is.

In most cases, people would actually prefer you to be straight with them. Saying no when asked is infinitely preferable to saying yes when you mean no, followed by procrastination, or deliberate avoidance, leading to issues between you and the person making the request. They will have more respect for you if you say no when you mean no rather than let them down. And saying yes without ever intending to do anything is just plain rude.

All it really takes is to stay calm and polite. There is no need to apologise, you've not done anything wrong. In many situations, a simple "No" or "No thank you" may suffice. Alternatively, you could acknowledge why someone is asking you to do something, or give a reason for saying no. For example, "I really can't take this on because work is very busy at the moment. I know why you are asking but I don't want to let you down.".

Another way is to say no for now. In the example above, you could add on the end, "Ask me again in a couple of weeks if you can't find anyone else and I might be able to do it for you if work is less busy." That puts the person off but also doesn't oblige you to take on the task. If they do ask again later, you could still say no.  If it was a lunch date you wanted to go on but really can't right now, you could just arrange another day.

What also can be successful is to find out more about what you're being asked to do and perhaps negotiate it to something more interesting or less onerous. "I can't do all of that, but if you help me, we'll get it done quicker anyway. How about that?" or "Can I just ring the top half of that list? I could manage to ring that many." are things you could say to say no without actually saying no!

If all else fails, and the person making the request is persistent and keeps asking or trying to persuading you to agree, then adopt what they call "the broken record approach". Just keep saying the same thing over and over again - no need for explanation. This actually works really well with children, although it's often much harder to stay calm and polite with a demanding child who won't take no for an answer!

Now you know all that about saying no, it's time for you to practice. Stay aware over the next few days and if someone asks you to do something you don't want to do or you feel you shouldn't be doing, have a go at turning them down using one of the techniques mentioned above. Don't ever feel you have to say yes to everything and think hard about whether you overcommit as a matter of course. Ask yourself what good it does you not to say no just to keep everyone else happy because usually, it comes at a cost - your happiness (and your free time!).

Try it out as many times as you like, then blog about how it went, how you felt, and whether you got better at it the more times you do it. In some ways, this is like the previous task, because for a lot of people, saying no pushes them right out of their comfort zone. Stick with it though. I know you can do it.

As we're back to normal now, the linky will be published on Thursday, but will remain open for two weeks in case you need more time to practice turning people down and listening to yourself say no.

Just say no. You'll be glad you did.

LifeCircle 2012: Managing your time - the aftermath

How did you get on? I've been busy beavering away this week and got lots done. I'm currently using Toodledo to manage my to-do list and been working through everything. It's not totally gone to plan but taking the time to plan out what I'm doing when makes me more effective.

Do let me know how it went for you. If it didn't work for you, and something else didn't, feel free to say so. I won't be offended. Nothing is right for everybody - this is all about what works for you. Maybe just the discipline of writing a list was enough. What worked and what were the results? How much more did you get done this week and how does that make you feel about your ability to change the aspects of your life that you want to change?

LifeCircle 2012 - Managing your time

I have had very little time to digest the posts so far from Thursday but there seems to be a bit of support building for help with time management, so that's what I'm going to attempt. Actually, that might be impossible really as there are as many ways to manage your time effectively as there are people on this earth. What I will do is suggest a method for you to try that might work for you.

The first part is to have a to do list. It can be on paper, on your phone, online, however best you want to manage it. It really doesn't have to be fancy. You just need somewhere or something on which to record the things you have to do. Having some central place that you can refer to will help you focus on what needs to be done. Include as much as possible. If it's not on the list, it's not getting done! OK, maybe not your ablutions, but you know what I mean.

The only problem with that is it can be a bit daunting and in what order do you tackle your to do list? I'm going to suggest a way to manage this. Some people call it the "Urgent-Important Matrix" but it's just a grid really. Here it is.

You could just draw a grid and plot things according to whether they are urgent and whether they are important. Then you know you need to start with all the important, urgent things. If you have lots of those to tackle, then revert to starting with the ones with the shortest deadlines. How do you decide what's important? Well, that really is up to you, but things you just do every day that don't contribute towards you reaching your goals probably isn't. Things like that, falling into the bottom right box, are probably best dealt with by allocating some time to dealing with them every day - like an admin or housework half hour or a time at work each week when you deal with them. If you can, get someone else to do them! If you can't, and you find they are stopping you achieving urgent things, then consider if they really are of low importance.

The top left box is probably full of longer term things you want to do. Try to ensure you do work on them when you can - what you should find by being more focussed is that you will deal with the urgent and important things quicker and this should allow more time for this. Of course, anything in the bottom right corner should be ignored. It may be that they are tasks or things that other people want you to do. If this is the case, feel vindicated in saying a polite but firm "No" to them. And stand your ground. I suspect that might be a whole other post!

If I have a really long list of things to do, I sort them into a list by what I consider to be most urgent and I allocate times to work on them. So, if I'm starting work at 9.30 and I estimate it's going to take me an hour to complete the first task I'm planning to work on, I'll allocate 9.30-10.30 to and work down my list adding in the times. I find that this gives me something to aim for so there is less chance of becoming distracted, but also, it gives me the chance to recognise what I can realistically achieve in my day so that I don't overcommit or give myself too little to do. And if I get more things done than I plan to, I feel really good.

So, what's the task today then? I want you to put this into practice over the next few days. See how it works for you. Then blog about how it's gone. Did you find it time-consuming? Was that time worth it? Did you get more done? How did it make you feel about progressing towards your goals?

Then remember to come back here on Thursday to link up, although as ever, the linky will stay open for two weeks, which takes you all the way through to 23rd February and may give you time to try out the techniques for longer. And don't forget, I'll set a task next Saturday that you will have nearly two weeks to complete as I won't be publishing the linky until 23rd February so we can all take a step back from full-on self-improvement!

Good luck and I can't wait to see how you get on with this.